Goodbye 2011 and hello 2012

Every year, for about as long as I can remember, the end of one year and the beginning of another has been a big deal in my book.  I like having everything all wrapped up from the previous year before the clock strikes midnight.  I like thinking about what I'm going to do differently in the new year and how I'm going to change things, myself etc.  I always have my resolutions ruminating in my head for a while and ready to be written down on new years day.

This year though, I have a baby.  And I just find it harder to think.  Or have time to think.  Or something.  I'm not really sure what it is, but things that have always happened in the past--or at least I've always made a good effort with, just seem harder.  Planning something for Landon's birthday. Christmas shopping.  End of year thoughts.  New Years resolutions.  I could go on and on.  But I'm not complaining in the slightest--just making an observation.

We had a New Years dinner on January 2nd with my family and as we sat down to dinner, my brother asked what everyone's new years resolutions were.  And then he added, "because I know Aja would have asked in a few minutes anyway".  Which is true.  I always do and I probably would have, but I might not have because I hadn't yet figured out my own.  Thoughts were still running through my head about 2011 ending and 2012 beginning, but I didn't have anything concrete yet.

And so here we are, a week later.  And, I figure, better late than never.  We're having a crazy thunderstorm here, so of course, Aedan's taking a super long nap.  God's providing his favorite sleeping music--rain. :)  I've already run a few errands (before he went to sleep!) and got some things done around the house, so I figured I'd take advantage of a few moments of quiet to write a little.

I remember the end of 2010 like it was yesterday.  We were about 3 months pregnant and life was full and exciting.  Landon had run his first Ironman that year and I had run my half and we had taken a lot of cool trips and run a lot of fun races and bought a new house and just done a lot.  I think back on it as a year of crossing a lot of things off of our bucket list, of doing a lot of things we'd always wanted to but never had.  It was a fun year.

2011 has a completely different feel to it.  I don't think back over the year and want to remember all the cool things we did or accomplished, even though we did some cool and fun things, like the Cowtown Half Marathon with Team Mercy Project, Landon's Ironman Texas and some fun little getaways with friends.  And that's ok.  Life has slowed down this year, in some senses, and that's good.  This year was Aedan's year.  It was the year we spent six months preparing for and dreaming of this little baby.  It was the last year we were just Landon and Aja.  It was the last anniversary without kids.  It was the year I taught my last group of kids at Jane Long Middle School and the year Landon really became a part of the law firm he's now working for.  It was the year our family transitioned to me being a stay at home mom, something we'd been planning on since we got married, but never knew exactly how things would play out.  It was a year of huge transitions that, while wonderful, definitely took some working out at times.  It was the year of experiencing moments with my husband and with our baby that I knew I had been waiting my whole life for, and the year of experiencing moments that I didn't even know I had been waiting my whole life for until I was living them.  At the risk of sounding cheesy, it was the year our lives were changed forever when Aedan Hugh Speights was born in the wee hours of the morning on June 25th.  It was the year we were forever changed as Aedan made us a mommy and a daddy and made us a family.  I wouldn't say it's been a year filled with huge accomplishments.  But, looking at my sleeping baby right now, that really doesn't matter as much as it used to.

Before I get to my resolutions, here's my my "Long Live..." list of moments from 2011.

Long live...
     looking over at Aedan and seeing him smile at me
     seeing Landon run down the finishers chute at Ironman Texas, almost 30 minutes faster than the first time, and give me a kiss and wish me a happy anniversary before he ran across the finish line
     Landon's face as we watched Aedan enter into this world
     my first moments holding my baby
     the first week all three of us were at home with Aedan.  Pure bliss.  Exhausted, no idea what we were doing, in love with our baby, bliss.
     introducing Aedan to our family at 4am and seeing their love for him
     walking the Cowtown half marathon with my mom
     Landon waking me up to say good bye on the first day of summer and saying "good bye, stay at home mom".
     talking with Landon and dreaming about the future and what we want to do
     waking up on June 24th, thinking I was in labor, and telling Landon that we might be having our baby today
     realizing God's providence in the timing of Aedan's birth
     watching Landon as a father--I never thought I could love him more until I saw him with our son
     the moments of panic we felt those first few days with Aedan at home, when we realized we had no idea what we were doing and we were responsible for this tiny little baby
     hearing Aedan's little voice talking to us
     watching, through (happy) tears, as Michael married his high school sweet heart
     finding out, with all of our friends and family, that God had chosen to give us a little boy--it was a surreal moment.
     Christmas morning with our new little family
     going for our first run with Landon and Aedan in his jog stroller
     rocking and singing to Aedan as he falls asleep
     my last day of teaching--more bittersweet than I expected it to be--but way more exciting than sad.
     taking Aedan and practically running out of the hospital the moment we made a deal with the nicu nurse and she agreed to release him--though at that point we probably would have just taken him anyway.
     all of Aedan's firsts--smile, eye contact, laugh, long stretch without crying one random Sunday
 afternoon...
     celebrating 5 years together with a surprise picnic
     ringing in the new year hanging out with sweet friends and my precious husband, who had our sweet baby sleeping on his chest.  I could not ask for more.

And now, on to my new years resolutions.  Last year, my resolution was to be intentionally unselfish.  I think I'm getting better.  I don't know though.  That could probably best be determined by asking those around me.  I know for sure though that it is still something I need to work on.  I do find it interesting though that in the year I prayed for God to help me to be more unselfish, he gave me a baby.  Lots of opportunities there.

So, I'm still working on that one.  But this year, the two things that have really been on my mind and heart lately are to:

worry/stress/feel guilty less   AND get to know God more.

I am a worrier.  I'm better than I used to be, but I want to be better.  I thought I was bad before I had a kid but, holy moly, with him it's so much worse.  I worry about a lot with him, but at it's core, I think all my worries come down to worrying that I'm messing something up, that I'm going to mess him up and fail at being a mom.  In reality though, I know that for most of the little choices I worry about, he'll be fine no matter what we choose.  So I'm trying to find that line between relaxing and being a good, conscientious mom and sticking to what I believe is best for our baby.  And I'm just trying to figure out better what I believe, and figure out what Landon belives, and trust him and trust myself and trust God and just go with it and not worry so much.  And, even aside from our baby, I stress out and worry and feel guilty about too much--often things that I have no control over or aren't my business or that normal people wouldn't feel guilty for a second about.  So, this year I want to get over that. 

And, I want to get to know God better, through serving, praying and reading His Word.  When I was teaching, one thing I would always teach my kids to do was to read with some "critical questions" in mind, trying to figure out what the text is teaching us or making us think about issues that matter in our world and in our lives.  I want to read the Bible, holding the question "what does this teach me about who God is?"  in my head, instead of just reading.  My brother, Matthew, is good at this.  I remember some conversations last year with him about old testament stuff and what it shows us about God.  And in a Bible study I went to some towards the end of last year, the woman leading the study said she would read through through the gospels every summer, for the sole purpose of getting to know God, through Jesus' life here on Earth.  Maybe I'll start there.

Happy 2012 (a week late).  I can't wait to see what this year has in store.  I hope to learn a lot, grow a lot, find somewhere to serve, find balance and joy and success in being a stay at home mom, continue to work on figuring out what being a godly mom/wife looks like in our family and make progress in this year's resolutions.  God has blessed Landon and I so richly, so much more than we deserve, and I want to never forget that all we have is from His hand, not ours.